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There appears to be a lot of discussion about President Obama's new Council on Women and Girls in the blogosphere. According to Politico, there's a lot angry women out there. Let me say first, I think this is an excellent first step in elevating women's issues into the national dialogue officially.
It seems there are two major issues the opposition has:
1) We don't need a council on women and girls. Lisa Belkin over at the NYTimes seems to be leading the charge on this.
2) That a White House council with no full time staff or deadline is not going far enough.
With both objections, I see the point. I dismiss Belkin's assertions that "too many of the problems women and girls have in the world stem from the fact that the problems are considered 'their' problems — 'women’s problems' — rather than problems that both genders share." This is simply untrue. There are many problems women face disproportionally including rape, domestic violence, poverty and more. Belkin goes on to say that materity leave, unequal pay and other issues are family problems. I couldn't disagree with her more. If I make less than my male counterpart with whom I share similar credentials, I'm not really sure how that becomes a family problem. I don't have any kids to support and I'm not married, yet I may still face discrimination. Women (mothers especially) are far more likely to face poverty than men. The vast majority of people living below the poverty level are women and their children and while that is a family issue, it is also a woman's issue. But I think most importantly, women are still crowded out of certain professions and crowded into others (mostly low-paying).
The second point, that this council doesn't go far enough, is true as well. If we are really hoping to eliminate the wage gap between men and women (of all races) and create a more equitable society we'll need more than a White House council. We'll need to educate the public and do our best to eliminate stastical discrimination amongst employers. But like so many issues with this new president we need to be a little patient. This is an important first step in examining those issues affecting women and girls. I hope very much the creation of this council is not just a symbolic gesture to reward women voters, but instead brings many voices to the table about how we can raise the next generation of girls in a more equitable society.
There are two very serious downsides to being single. One is only having one income, when you think you can use a bigger apartment, a new car or whatever. The other is when older people lecture you about being single. Yes. There are other downsides I know. Like Valentines Day, Saturday nights alone, wanting to share sunsets and sunrises with another person. But those things are a given. I can deal with that. I can even deal with not having a second income (oh, but I could use a spare bedroom for an office!). But what I can't deal with is having older people lecture me about my single state...As if I chose it and as if it's something to be ashamed of.
This brings me to chapter 103,403 of my book, entitled: How Someone Really Pissed Me Off Today. You can probably pre-order it on Amazon.
So after meeting with my group for the 1 millionth time (love you, guys!), I ran into a colleague of my mother's on the subway. She was going to visit a friend in Brooklyn and was trying to avoid the Q train because it goes express for like 15 stops or something this weekend (I also have been forced to take the F everywhere). She sat next to me on the subway and made small talk. I mostly discussed my new found love(s)...The cutest flat shoes ever. And she talked about her kids and grandkids. As we were nearing our stop (yes, unfortunately she was also getting off at my stop) she asked me what my relationship status was. I begrudgingly told her. I hate when people ask that question, because some kind of judgment always ensues. So here's what the conversation went like:
Mom's friend: Single? Why? Did you just break up with someone?
Me: No.
MF: When was your last relationship?
Me: Ummm. A while ago. Probably a couple of years.
MF: A COUPLE OF YEARS!
(everyone nearby looks at me)
Me: Yeah. It's been a while.
MF: Well, you can't go on like that.
Me: Ummm. Why not?
MF: It's not healthy.
At this point we get off the train and she continues to follow me down the street.
MF: I don't understand young women today. I thought my daughter was bad, waiting until she was 30 to get married. You don't want to have your first kid when you're 30. You'll be too old!
Me: Actually, my mom was 36 when she had me.
MF: Well, she took a tremendous risk.
At this point I changed the subject by making a random observation about the neighborhood and we parted.
But really? First, why do older women always assume everyone wants kids? I mean, I get it. I do want kids eventually (ya know, after getting married). But just because I have ovaries doesn't mean I spend a lot time thinking about putting them to use. It's a little rude. Secondly, I really don't need someone who is basically a stranger to me making me feel bad about my state of constant singleness. Some days I feel bad enough without having commentary from the peanut gallery.
By the time I got home, which was about three minutes later, I was fuming. I went through all the stages of grief in ten minutes.
Denial -- That didn't just happen.
Anger -- She has some nerve
Bargaining -- Maybe I asked for it.
Depression -- I hate my life!
Acceptance -- Where are my cookies? (cue chewing)
But what am I grieving? My dismal relationship status? And why is it so dismal? I have a lot to be happy about, right? I have a job, a degree (and another on the way), a great apartment, a few good friends and a new pair of shoes (sooo cute). And yet, my elation about my shoes was ruined by this lecture.
I guess it all comes down to this: When you're a young woman, being single is still perceived as having a deficit of something in your life. Being an old maid is still something that concerns many of us, not matter how much we valuable other things like our platonic relationship, careers and general state of well-being.
There are plenty of benefits to being in a healthy, happy relationship, but not having one isn't the end of the world either. So the next time you're thinking about lecturing someone about the relationship status or lack there of, keep it to yourself...I'm sure they've considered it without your reminding them.
