Ann Bauer of Salon.com wrote this piece about her autistic son Andrew.
The part that resonated most with me is this line: "I am not alone."
I've been thinking about public policy options that would help families with autistic children more. If any of you have ever seen mental illness or intellectual disabilities up-close, you know there is so little help out there. Doctors hardly understand it. But families have to cope with it.
My heart goes out to Ann and her family.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
I've been to the Special Olympics and I was proud to go
I don't want to make a big deal about President Obama's late night remarks about his bowling score. He apologized and it's important for the nation to accept his apology and move on. But I think it's important to clarify why people were upset it.
My sister is 22 years old. She'll never drive a car or go to college. She'll never take a trip to the mall by herself. She'll never get married or start a family of her own. And I cannot tell you how painful it is to watch someone struggle with basic tasks like reading or paying for a sandwich at a deli. My sister has autism and when she does something that seems minor to the rest of us, it's a big deal to my family. Each time she does something without prompting or reaches a milestone in her development it brings tears to my mother's eyes.
When my sister was younger she participated in the Special Olympics and she took the third place prize in a relay race and I was so proud of her I remember that day as if it was yesterday, even though it was about 10 years ago. The focus it took for her to run that race and do something other teenagers take for granted was heartbreaking. And she needed to do it. My sister doesn't understand everything but she knows she's different. She knows that even though there are only three years between us, life will always be a little harder for her than it is for me. Everything she does is tainted by her autism. Running in that race was important for her because it was something she could be proud of.
I heard a lot of people defend the president and I know he didn't mean anything by his remark, but the larger issue is this: everyone in that room laughed at his joke. Everyone in the room poked fun at the Special Olympics, as if it was a punchline. For me, that was the most disturbing part of the interview -- That my sister and the other athletes who compete in the Special Olympics are funny in some way.
My sister didn't choose to be born with a disability anymore than I chose to be born female and black. She didn't choose it. To laugh at people who train to do something that is supposed to be confidence-building is disturbing and beneath us as Americans. We laugh at things we don't understand, rather than trying to understand them. We take the low road, because it's easier than taking the high road.
I don't find anything funny about mental or physical disabilities and I doubt I ever will. Until you've fought those little battles and accepted the limitations of someone you love, you can never understand the courage it takes for someone with special needs to participate in something the rest of us mock.
And until you've seen the dedication the organizers, athletes and parents have with your own eyes, you cannot understand how wonderful this organization really is and how much it means to everyone involved.
My sister is 22 years old. She'll never drive a car or go to college. She'll never take a trip to the mall by herself. She'll never get married or start a family of her own. And I cannot tell you how painful it is to watch someone struggle with basic tasks like reading or paying for a sandwich at a deli. My sister has autism and when she does something that seems minor to the rest of us, it's a big deal to my family. Each time she does something without prompting or reaches a milestone in her development it brings tears to my mother's eyes.
When my sister was younger she participated in the Special Olympics and she took the third place prize in a relay race and I was so proud of her I remember that day as if it was yesterday, even though it was about 10 years ago. The focus it took for her to run that race and do something other teenagers take for granted was heartbreaking. And she needed to do it. My sister doesn't understand everything but she knows she's different. She knows that even though there are only three years between us, life will always be a little harder for her than it is for me. Everything she does is tainted by her autism. Running in that race was important for her because it was something she could be proud of.
I heard a lot of people defend the president and I know he didn't mean anything by his remark, but the larger issue is this: everyone in that room laughed at his joke. Everyone in the room poked fun at the Special Olympics, as if it was a punchline. For me, that was the most disturbing part of the interview -- That my sister and the other athletes who compete in the Special Olympics are funny in some way.
My sister didn't choose to be born with a disability anymore than I chose to be born female and black. She didn't choose it. To laugh at people who train to do something that is supposed to be confidence-building is disturbing and beneath us as Americans. We laugh at things we don't understand, rather than trying to understand them. We take the low road, because it's easier than taking the high road.
I don't find anything funny about mental or physical disabilities and I doubt I ever will. Until you've fought those little battles and accepted the limitations of someone you love, you can never understand the courage it takes for someone with special needs to participate in something the rest of us mock.
And until you've seen the dedication the organizers, athletes and parents have with your own eyes, you cannot understand how wonderful this organization really is and how much it means to everyone involved.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Is nothing sacred?
Sometimes I'm really glad I don't have any kids, because there are so many things I could not explain to them. The latest of these things is the new and "improved" Dora the Explorer, who has lost a few pounds, grown a few inches and accessorized!
Mattel and Nickelodeon have revealed the new and "improved" Dora and here she is and once again, corporate America has demonstrated to us (and little girls everywhere) that it doesn't matter how smart you are or if you're adventurous, because, as a female, you have to be nice to look at too. Not that the old Dora, who was shorter, chubbier and carried a backpack, wasn't cute. She was adorable. But I don't understand why she needed to change.
I thought the purpose of Dora was to encourage learning, not to look like she just stepped out of the Limited Too, after Daddy and Mommy took her on a shopping spree.
But I guess I was wrong.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
The Sigificance of Role Modeling
I've written about the Rihanna-Chris Brown incident before. And I'm not trying to water-down its sigificance by calling it an incident. But I don't care for convicting people, even in the court of public opinion, until they've been proven guilty. Like many people I'll be watching to see what the end result of the proceedings about this event will be.
A friend of mine brought this informal survey of Boston teenagers to my attention. The results are nothing less than terribly disturbing. Nearly half of teens between the ages of 12 and 19 believed that Rihanna was to blame for being beaten by her boyfriend. Let's ponder that for a moment. Nearly half.
I would be lying if I said I'm surprised. I'm not. And perhaps that is cynical, but just the conversations I've had with my own friends, who are adults, have disturbed me. Many of us seem to be making excuses for why Chris Brown would do something like this. I've heard excuses ranging from: "he's young," to "we all make mistakes."
Enough has been said about what Rihanna can do to be a good role model to young girls. I'm less concerned about that at the moment. I'm most concerned with what we adults can do to ensure the teens and children in our lives don't hold the opinion that there is something a woman can do that would make her responsible for the violence of another person.
We all have a responsibility to explain to them violence is never acceptable. We also have a responsibility to remind them if Rihanna decides to forgive Chris Brown that is her decision and it doesn't make her pathetic or stupid. Yes, Rihanna is a singer and a byproduct of that has made her a role model. But she isn't an expert and she doesn't always make the right choices.
Violence is never acceptable and we should all acknowledge this. It doesn't matter if it exists between boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and wife, father/mother and child. It is always wrong.
If anything can come out of this terrible event, I hope the public can engage in a real conversation about domestic violence. It's a topic that's worth more than a few Lifetime movies and Law and Order episodes.
A friend of mine brought this informal survey of Boston teenagers to my attention. The results are nothing less than terribly disturbing. Nearly half of teens between the ages of 12 and 19 believed that Rihanna was to blame for being beaten by her boyfriend. Let's ponder that for a moment. Nearly half.
I would be lying if I said I'm surprised. I'm not. And perhaps that is cynical, but just the conversations I've had with my own friends, who are adults, have disturbed me. Many of us seem to be making excuses for why Chris Brown would do something like this. I've heard excuses ranging from: "he's young," to "we all make mistakes."
Enough has been said about what Rihanna can do to be a good role model to young girls. I'm less concerned about that at the moment. I'm most concerned with what we adults can do to ensure the teens and children in our lives don't hold the opinion that there is something a woman can do that would make her responsible for the violence of another person.
We all have a responsibility to explain to them violence is never acceptable. We also have a responsibility to remind them if Rihanna decides to forgive Chris Brown that is her decision and it doesn't make her pathetic or stupid. Yes, Rihanna is a singer and a byproduct of that has made her a role model. But she isn't an expert and she doesn't always make the right choices.
Violence is never acceptable and we should all acknowledge this. It doesn't matter if it exists between boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and wife, father/mother and child. It is always wrong.
If anything can come out of this terrible event, I hope the public can engage in a real conversation about domestic violence. It's a topic that's worth more than a few Lifetime movies and Law and Order episodes.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
On the White House Council on Women and Girls
There appears to be a lot of discussion about President Obama's new Council on Women and Girls in the blogosphere. According to Politico, there's a lot angry women out there. Let me say first, I think this is an excellent first step in elevating women's issues into the national dialogue officially.
It seems there are two major issues the opposition has:
1) We don't need a council on women and girls. Lisa Belkin over at the NYTimes seems to be leading the charge on this.
2) That a White House council with no full time staff or deadline is not going far enough.
With both objections, I see the point. I dismiss Belkin's assertions that "too many of the problems women and girls have in the world stem from the fact that the problems are considered 'their' problems — 'women’s problems' — rather than problems that both genders share." This is simply untrue. There are many problems women face disproportionally including rape, domestic violence, poverty and more. Belkin goes on to say that materity leave, unequal pay and other issues are family problems. I couldn't disagree with her more. If I make less than my male counterpart with whom I share similar credentials, I'm not really sure how that becomes a family problem. I don't have any kids to support and I'm not married, yet I may still face discrimination. Women (mothers especially) are far more likely to face poverty than men. The vast majority of people living below the poverty level are women and their children and while that is a family issue, it is also a woman's issue. But I think most importantly, women are still crowded out of certain professions and crowded into others (mostly low-paying).
The second point, that this council doesn't go far enough, is true as well. If we are really hoping to eliminate the wage gap between men and women (of all races) and create a more equitable society we'll need more than a White House council. We'll need to educate the public and do our best to eliminate stastical discrimination amongst employers. But like so many issues with this new president we need to be a little patient. This is an important first step in examining those issues affecting women and girls. I hope very much the creation of this council is not just a symbolic gesture to reward women voters, but instead brings many voices to the table about how we can raise the next generation of girls in a more equitable society.
It seems there are two major issues the opposition has:
1) We don't need a council on women and girls. Lisa Belkin over at the NYTimes seems to be leading the charge on this.
2) That a White House council with no full time staff or deadline is not going far enough.
With both objections, I see the point. I dismiss Belkin's assertions that "too many of the problems women and girls have in the world stem from the fact that the problems are considered 'their' problems — 'women’s problems' — rather than problems that both genders share." This is simply untrue. There are many problems women face disproportionally including rape, domestic violence, poverty and more. Belkin goes on to say that materity leave, unequal pay and other issues are family problems. I couldn't disagree with her more. If I make less than my male counterpart with whom I share similar credentials, I'm not really sure how that becomes a family problem. I don't have any kids to support and I'm not married, yet I may still face discrimination. Women (mothers especially) are far more likely to face poverty than men. The vast majority of people living below the poverty level are women and their children and while that is a family issue, it is also a woman's issue. But I think most importantly, women are still crowded out of certain professions and crowded into others (mostly low-paying).
The second point, that this council doesn't go far enough, is true as well. If we are really hoping to eliminate the wage gap between men and women (of all races) and create a more equitable society we'll need more than a White House council. We'll need to educate the public and do our best to eliminate stastical discrimination amongst employers. But like so many issues with this new president we need to be a little patient. This is an important first step in examining those issues affecting women and girls. I hope very much the creation of this council is not just a symbolic gesture to reward women voters, but instead brings many voices to the table about how we can raise the next generation of girls in a more equitable society.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Oh, the single life
There are two very serious downsides to being single. One is only having one income, when you think you can use a bigger apartment, a new car or whatever. The other is when older people lecture you about being single. Yes. There are other downsides I know. Like Valentines Day, Saturday nights alone, wanting to share sunsets and sunrises with another person. But those things are a given. I can deal with that. I can even deal with not having a second income (oh, but I could use a spare bedroom for an office!). But what I can't deal with is having older people lecture me about my single state...As if I chose it and as if it's something to be ashamed of.
This brings me to chapter 103,403 of my book, entitled: How Someone Really Pissed Me Off Today. You can probably pre-order it on Amazon.
So after meeting with my group for the 1 millionth time (love you, guys!), I ran into a colleague of my mother's on the subway. She was going to visit a friend in Brooklyn and was trying to avoid the Q train because it goes express for like 15 stops or something this weekend (I also have been forced to take the F everywhere). She sat next to me on the subway and made small talk. I mostly discussed my new found love(s)...The cutest flat shoes ever. And she talked about her kids and grandkids. As we were nearing our stop (yes, unfortunately she was also getting off at my stop) she asked me what my relationship status was. I begrudgingly told her. I hate when people ask that question, because some kind of judgment always ensues. So here's what the conversation went like:
Mom's friend: Single? Why? Did you just break up with someone?
Me: No.
MF: When was your last relationship?
Me: Ummm. A while ago. Probably a couple of years.
MF: A COUPLE OF YEARS!
(everyone nearby looks at me)
Me: Yeah. It's been a while.
MF: Well, you can't go on like that.
Me: Ummm. Why not?
MF: It's not healthy.
At this point we get off the train and she continues to follow me down the street.
MF: I don't understand young women today. I thought my daughter was bad, waiting until she was 30 to get married. You don't want to have your first kid when you're 30. You'll be too old!
Me: Actually, my mom was 36 when she had me.
MF: Well, she took a tremendous risk.
At this point I changed the subject by making a random observation about the neighborhood and we parted.
But really? First, why do older women always assume everyone wants kids? I mean, I get it. I do want kids eventually (ya know, after getting married). But just because I have ovaries doesn't mean I spend a lot time thinking about putting them to use. It's a little rude. Secondly, I really don't need someone who is basically a stranger to me making me feel bad about my state of constant singleness. Some days I feel bad enough without having commentary from the peanut gallery.
By the time I got home, which was about three minutes later, I was fuming. I went through all the stages of grief in ten minutes.
Denial -- That didn't just happen.
Anger -- She has some nerve
Bargaining -- Maybe I asked for it.
Depression -- I hate my life!
Acceptance -- Where are my cookies? (cue chewing)
But what am I grieving? My dismal relationship status? And why is it so dismal? I have a lot to be happy about, right? I have a job, a degree (and another on the way), a great apartment, a few good friends and a new pair of shoes (sooo cute). And yet, my elation about my shoes was ruined by this lecture.
I guess it all comes down to this: When you're a young woman, being single is still perceived as having a deficit of something in your life. Being an old maid is still something that concerns many of us, not matter how much we valuable other things like our platonic relationship, careers and general state of well-being.
There are plenty of benefits to being in a healthy, happy relationship, but not having one isn't the end of the world either. So the next time you're thinking about lecturing someone about the relationship status or lack there of, keep it to yourself...I'm sure they've considered it without your reminding them.
This brings me to chapter 103,403 of my book, entitled: How Someone Really Pissed Me Off Today. You can probably pre-order it on Amazon.
So after meeting with my group for the 1 millionth time (love you, guys!), I ran into a colleague of my mother's on the subway. She was going to visit a friend in Brooklyn and was trying to avoid the Q train because it goes express for like 15 stops or something this weekend (I also have been forced to take the F everywhere). She sat next to me on the subway and made small talk. I mostly discussed my new found love(s)...The cutest flat shoes ever. And she talked about her kids and grandkids. As we were nearing our stop (yes, unfortunately she was also getting off at my stop) she asked me what my relationship status was. I begrudgingly told her. I hate when people ask that question, because some kind of judgment always ensues. So here's what the conversation went like:
Mom's friend: Single? Why? Did you just break up with someone?
Me: No.
MF: When was your last relationship?
Me: Ummm. A while ago. Probably a couple of years.
MF: A COUPLE OF YEARS!
(everyone nearby looks at me)
Me: Yeah. It's been a while.
MF: Well, you can't go on like that.
Me: Ummm. Why not?
MF: It's not healthy.
At this point we get off the train and she continues to follow me down the street.
MF: I don't understand young women today. I thought my daughter was bad, waiting until she was 30 to get married. You don't want to have your first kid when you're 30. You'll be too old!
Me: Actually, my mom was 36 when she had me.
MF: Well, she took a tremendous risk.
At this point I changed the subject by making a random observation about the neighborhood and we parted.
But really? First, why do older women always assume everyone wants kids? I mean, I get it. I do want kids eventually (ya know, after getting married). But just because I have ovaries doesn't mean I spend a lot time thinking about putting them to use. It's a little rude. Secondly, I really don't need someone who is basically a stranger to me making me feel bad about my state of constant singleness. Some days I feel bad enough without having commentary from the peanut gallery.
By the time I got home, which was about three minutes later, I was fuming. I went through all the stages of grief in ten minutes.
Denial -- That didn't just happen.
Anger -- She has some nerve
Bargaining -- Maybe I asked for it.
Depression -- I hate my life!
Acceptance -- Where are my cookies? (cue chewing)
But what am I grieving? My dismal relationship status? And why is it so dismal? I have a lot to be happy about, right? I have a job, a degree (and another on the way), a great apartment, a few good friends and a new pair of shoes (sooo cute). And yet, my elation about my shoes was ruined by this lecture.
I guess it all comes down to this: When you're a young woman, being single is still perceived as having a deficit of something in your life. Being an old maid is still something that concerns many of us, not matter how much we valuable other things like our platonic relationship, careers and general state of well-being.
There are plenty of benefits to being in a healthy, happy relationship, but not having one isn't the end of the world either. So the next time you're thinking about lecturing someone about the relationship status or lack there of, keep it to yourself...I'm sure they've considered it without your reminding them.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
OK...OK...I get it
Jeez, people. I had no idea so many of you were reading, but I'm glad to know you missed me. I've attempted to post several blogs, but always get distracted. So tonight's post will just be a general update about the goings on of my 20-something life.
I've been a tad busy. Every day has gone a little like this:
9 a.m. to 10 a.m.
But yeah. It's been special. Not that I completely hate it. I love writing and I love policy. Combining the two seems to be a good mix for me, but I'm so tired of looking at a computer screen. I mean even when I'm not looking at a computer screen I'm considering looking at one.
These days, I have to clear my inbox every few hours. It's crazy. I have emails from my clients, I have emails from nonprofits, I have emails from my mother and friends. I love hearing from people, but I can't keep up with you folks.
So that's my brief update for the day. I'll get back to y'all with something a little more substantive later. I'm thinking about a topic...It'll most likely have to do with race...since that's been on my mind lately.
I've been a tad busy. Every day has gone a little like this:
9 a.m. to 10 a.m.
- Wake up
- Shower
- Read email
- Make instant coffee
- Catch up with reading from the night before
- Read email again
- Read work email
- Freak out about work email
- Freak out about personal email overload
- Consider declaring email bankruptcy
- Turn on sad music
- Start working again
- Cry
- Write proposals/reports
- Work on policy projects
- Eat
- Listen to more sad music
- Pretend to listen to professors talk about issues in jargon that I only half understand
- Sigh over the never ending workload
- Meet with policy group
- Rant with policy group
- Take subway home and try to avoid creepy men (see previous posts)
But yeah. It's been special. Not that I completely hate it. I love writing and I love policy. Combining the two seems to be a good mix for me, but I'm so tired of looking at a computer screen. I mean even when I'm not looking at a computer screen I'm considering looking at one.
These days, I have to clear my inbox every few hours. It's crazy. I have emails from my clients, I have emails from nonprofits, I have emails from my mother and friends. I love hearing from people, but I can't keep up with you folks.
So that's my brief update for the day. I'll get back to y'all with something a little more substantive later. I'm thinking about a topic...It'll most likely have to do with race...since that's been on my mind lately.
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